Friday, August 1, 2008 @ 4:03 AM
4 in the morning
ok, so its 4am now in the morning. & i decided to drop something here since its been so long since i last updated it.

haven't been slping well lately. Nope, this has nv really happened before. Or i shouldn't say slp well cuz everytime i wake up, i feel energised already like now? i've been waking up at 2+,3+,4+,5+. At these kinda freaking hrs. ofcuz different frequencies everyday.

things haven't been good lately too. Relationship wise, it doesn't pose any problem to me. Actually it haven't been since we really got together. & i really appreciate that as in it wasn't what i expected. I mean its much better than good.

But what has been crushing me lately are stuff that i thought it wouldn't matter to me anyway. & here they are now, defining my every breath of what i do every moment im awake, everyday im alive, i see it, i read it, i live it, i just short of that eat it part. Yup, its these stupid results that tells you nth abt wad you tuely understand. All it does is drills you into doing what is suppose to be the 'right' method. But nobody among us truely understand what we'r doing.

Ya, this is shit. The shit shitist decision to come for JC, one tt i nv stop pounding on since my journey till now. I feel like im reduced to a piece of shit over here. Is is the uniform? is it the college, or the affiliation of our sch tt really identify us as NY-jcians? Nope, its the heart. & its pretty clear that my heart doesn't belong in a place full of shit that just buried themselves in whole pile of tutorial, revision and more tutorial.

& im probably doing the same also. Cuz i realised, as i said earlier, what crushes me recently is something that i'll nv take it to heart. My results. I did pretty bad, got the 2nd last in class. Probably hardly anybody get worst than mine ranking point, 28. Even the lousiest person i can find did better than me.. Xue Zun is jus a case of nth studying. He A's some of his subjects if he wants to. All the people i know who were abt the same standard as me have already suppressed me. Only im left behind nth knowing/aware/performing lik im suppose to be.

& Mrs tan did even wanted to see my parents. Maybe she think that i can depend on myself? maybe she think that its no point. Cuz she already spoke to my mum last year. But this time round, all who did badly had their parent's met but me being the 2nd last was only a phone call. How special that makes me to be.. i think. haha

I mean seriously, i have nv nv mug so intensively in my whole life before. & nv dreamt to. This is seriously hardcore mugging 24-7 type. All the pressure is finally buidling up and finally catching me at different times of the day. At some point of time,u just feel like screaming your heart out. Its this very heavy, soggy, thing within that im sure many of you will know what im toking abt. So feeling so confined, i remembered i just look away, facing the window where nobody see my face. & when i 'squeeze' it, water jus came out of my eyes.

Why all these pressure? Because i'm only left with 3 months to prove myself that i can master all of these shitest stuff that i'll probably nv really use them again soon. Or many of them, nt all. & what i've been doing until now? i've been too complacent and slack. I jus realised today that if i had studied the same way i did in the begining of the year, im probably nt in such a bad dept now.

Getting S (sub-pass) and U (un-graded) (they r both fail anyway). This is what my current level is, below average. & my family.. don't have a stand. No, they don't hav time to even make a stand. Becuz parents are so busy, they gt no time to be ard. & when my mum is home, she complains to me and expect me to understand all her difficulties and all that she is going thru. I mean i have nv really depend on her emotionally. & she has nv really taught me how to be there for people explicitly as far as i remember. But now, its like she is wanting me to do something that a parent should be doing for their kid. & all she ever knows is that life is tough for her. I guess for her, its always so easy going, swift, crusing-thru for young adults, teenage kids like us.

haha abit ps if this post seem abit disturbing. It is selfish, i was quite upset with this whole thing that i had another argument with her in the middle of the night at 3am. Ofcuz it doesn't last more than 30mins la. haha as usual. But i guess even superman needs a break sometimes. All my 's' is all over now. Cuz im so confused by GP that i become so conscious to put an 's' whenever possible. That i probably forget to distinguish between singular and pural.


Here's the take-away. The world doesn't care, the cruel-lity of it, the world doesn't care what you go through, doesn't care what you do to get yourself there. They don't sympathise you or show empathy. They don't care how much you'r struggling or what-so-ever. All they care for is what u've got. & if u've got it, u'r up. If nt, sry, no chance, no talk.

This is the catch. No place for weaklings, no place for the last. No one will offer you their service, no one will help you volunteerily. The essential self-centredness and selfishness.. im so so sick of it. I see it everyday, just that they are nt tangeible, they don't 'appear' but when you look deeper at everybody else, u find it. The very ugly nature of man itself. So ugly that i wanna puke.

That is why i don't care. I don't care how badly i do, i don't bother abt the cruelity of this world. All tt matters to me is to create a kind, loving and beneficial environment to people ard who matters to me. & all i can think of now, the only person that i really do all these for currently is my darling.

It tells me something also. That the no. of people who significantly play a part in my life from Jc, is only so few. Nope, its none but only 1. Does that tell you how lonely college is?

ok,im going to resume my life already. afew more mins to 5. & if i seriously don't do it within these few months. Haha, my life will probably be walking down a different path. Not that it might be bad. Not necessarily. But lets just say as much as i can do now, i'll just try to 'ba wou' what i have now. Well, at lease my dad is quite pressure-less and encourageing. He jus return home and walk into my room, told me afew sentences. Though i always have difficulties expressing myself in full chi lik i can't form my sentences properly and i hardly get the chance to talk to him also. Still sometimes with my dad, there is this, 'nth is too hard' thing. Like the world can come crushing down but we'll manage, one way or another, sooner or later. I probably got part of tt ego-ness from him. haha.